Notes on How to Win Friends and Influence People

Part 1: The core principals of handling people

Criticism is futile because it puts them on the defensive and makes them strive to defend their pride, because criticisms hurt their sense of importance. So, we must realize that when dealing with people we aren’t dealing with people of logic, but rather beings of sentiment and feelings.

The deepest principal in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. ~ William James

There is nothing else that kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms, but rather, one must be Hearty in their appropriation and lavish in their praise.

When trying to get someone to do something try and arouse a want in them, try putting that task in a way that they feel it’s beneficial for them, this will arouse in the person an eager want.

“Self-expressions are the dominant necessity of human nature” which is why, when we have an idea, instead of making others think it is theirs, try and let them come to it themselves.

Part 2: Making people like you

Be genuinely Interested in people, greet them with enthusiasm, try and get to know about their interests (to talk about), smile at them and remember the small things about them (Theodore Roosevelt was quite liked by his butlers because he remembered the small things, they said or small details about them).

Try to smile as much as possible, research show that “People who smile, tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively and raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown.” If you don’t feel like smiling, do a little exercise, pretend the current moment is THE best day of your life, you will automatically start radiating happiness. An ancient Chinese proverb states “A man without a smiling face must not open a shop”.

Remember the person’s name for it is the sweetest sound in their language, Roosevelt, whenever he met a new person, he would go out of his way to learn the name and the heritage of the person, and whenever he would meet them next, he would ask them about them and their family, making them feel good.

Be a good listener because everyone loves talking about themselves, when one talks about self, they can expand their ego, making them feel good. Sigmund Freud was a good listener, one individual recounts that

the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary.

Talk in the interest of the other person, for instance Roosevelt made it a job to research and look into the likes and interests of any person he was about to meet, giving him the ability to have an extremely fulfilling and interesting conversation with his subject.

Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking

Arguments are futile, you will never get anywhere by indulging in an argument, it makes the other person defensive since you are “Questioning their importance”, thus, even if you win, you would’ve earned the utmost hate of the other person, since you have now hurt their pride, so the best way is to avoid one.

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

Show respect for other peoples’ opinion and never tell them that they are wrong, great minds said:

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself. ~ Galileo

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. ~ Lord Chesterfield

One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing. ~ Socrates

A good way to put forward your argument is by saying something along the lines of

Well, now, look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Humans want a feeling of self-importance, so when you start to belittle yourself, they will impulsively, to show their superiority, try and show “mercy”.

Begin in a friendly way. Unloading your temper might feel good to you, but ask:

Will your belligerent tones, your hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you?

Get the other person to say yes. When starting a conversation don’t start by discussing things you differ upon, but rather, keep emphasizing on things you agree upon, make it so that your subject has to say “yes”, this is because a “no” response demands a consistence with denial. This is the Socratic method: he asked questions which his opponent had to agree with, and with that he would eventually make them say yes to something they would have denied.

He who treads softly goes far. ~ Chinese proverb

Try to see things from the other’s point of view. Other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them; try to understand them.

There is a reason why the other man thinks as he does.

Be sympathetic to other persons’ ideas and desires. The people who come to you irritated or unreasoning are that way for reasons of their own.

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

Throw down a challenge for your subject. Everyone loves the game: the chance to prove their worth, to excel, to win. The desire to excel is the desire for a feeling of importance.

Part 4: Changing people without offending them

Begin with praise or affection, this is because we tend to have an easier time listening to a critique after a compliment.

Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.

Don’t be direct when pointing a mistake out, a lot of people start a criticism by a complement, but then they directly add the complaint after a “but” this invalidates the effects of the praise, instead try being indirect when putting forward critiques, so instead of saying “You should do better” try saying “At this rate, you would become great in the future”.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person since humans feel better knowing that the person in front of them isn’t perfect either.

Ask questions instead of direct orders; instead of saying “Do this”, say “you might consider doing this”, this convinces the person that they are doing the task out of their own will and not as an order. It saves their pride, gives them a feeling of importance, and encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Let the other person save their reputation, don’t go out of your way to insult or criticize anyone in front of anyone they respect, instead give them an opportunity to point and rectify the mistake themselves, as French aviation pioneer Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote

I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.

Praise your subject at the slightest of achievement, this will give them the motivation to keep on exploring, and be hearty in your critiques.

Make the fault seem easy to correct, if you instantly point out everything wrong with your subject, they will lose interest in talking to you for sure, instead, start by complementing their skills, and slowly point out their mistakes, one step at a time.